Our Beloved Gift of God

On July 18, 1985, I gave birth to our beloved gift of God, Matthew David Warren. Holding him in my arms that morning, I had no idea how dark the journey would get for him - and for those who love him. All I knew that bright morning was that I was madly in love with him, and could see nothing ahead but a mother's dreams of a good life for her son.

 My pregnancy had been extremely difficult and included three months of TOTAL bed rest (not even able to get up to use the bathroom) due to a severe allergic reaction that temporarily crippled me and caused tremendous physical pain and discomfort. The doctors reassured me that I and the baby would be fine - but how could I be sure? What if the baby wasn't alright? What if I wasn't alright?

I remember Easter 1985 - I was sick in bed, unable to go to church. Rick took the kids to church and I stayed by myself for a few hours - the TV remote by my side as my only companion. Somehow I dropped the remote and couldn't retrieve it - so there I was, alone on one of the most joyous holidays, with not even a TV preacher to keep me company, full of anxiety and fear for myself and my unborn child.

I painfully reached for my Bible and it fell open to Habakkuk 3:17-19: "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails, and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; He enables me to go on the heights." 

This was a word from the Lord to me - and I determined that even IF my worst nightmares came true - if my baby died, or I never walked again - that I would trust in God my Savior; I would rejoice in the Sovereign Lord.

Matthew David Warren was born and everything seemed fine. But by his first birthday, we began to wonder. And by his second and third birthdays, we knew he wasn't like his older sister and brother. As time unfolded, so did his struggles and I couldn't help but feel that my challenging pregnancy had negatively affected his developing brain and nervous system.

When he took his life last year - after battling and fighting so hard for decades - a friend sent me Habakkuk 3:17-19 in a sympathy card. She had no idea this passage was incredibly significant to me, but it was a fitting "bookend" to his life. Because I had feared for years that he would take his life... it became his greatest pursuit and my deepest anguish... I had to come to the point in which I said as I had 27 years before - "EVEN IF my worst nightmare comes true and he takes his life, I WILL rejoice in the Lord; I will be joyful in God my Savior."

So today - his 29th birthday - through weeping - I shout it to the watching universe: "I will rejoice in Lord; I will be joyful in God my Savior." My heart remains wounded and battered, but my faith is steady. There is, and will be, as Steven Curtis Chapman says, a "glorious unfolding" of all that God has in store for me and my family. God is faithful to His promises of rebuilding and restoring the ruins - and I am confident that I will yet be a witness to many, many, many lives healed and hope restored - all because of my beloved gift of God, Matthew David Warren. I miss you, darling boy... but it will just be for a little while.

Lessons From Dementia

My 90-year old mom is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, and while she has good days, she has some moments in which she doesn’t know where she is, isn’t exactly sure what is going on around her, and leans heavily on me for support – mentally, physically, and spiritually.

The disease is always in a progressively downward motion, and we have had to move her to the memory care unit of the assisted living facility where she has been living. It is a move she has protested and argued against in her more coherent moments. We go over and over and over the reasons for the move, but it has been a tough decision for her to process. Lately I’ve heard her talking aloud to herself and this is what she says: “I don’t like where I’m going, and I’m not even sure WHY I’m here – why do I have to go to this place? I liked where I was. But I know Kay loves me and would never do anything to harm me; she always has my best interest at heart – so I’ll trust her decisions for me.”

This morning those words rocked me as the spiritual parallels stared me in the face. How many times in my life – particularly in the last year – have I questioned the path God is taking me on? Frequently I don’t like the new path – it isn’t familiar, it isn’t as comfortable as the road I was on before, and to be honest, I complain loudly about it. I want to stay where I was – I want life to be what I’m used to. But after my griping and moaning and some intense conversations with Him, I settle down – like a weaned child on its mother’s lap – and I say exactly what my mom says about the changes in her life: “I know God loves me and would never do anything to harm me; He always has my best interest at heart – so I’ll trust His decisions for me.”

God, may I respond with trust more quickly tomorrow than I did today. Forgive me for doubting Your love; I always get myself worked up, become overly-anxious, and fearful when I forget that You are “rich in love” for me. I choose to allow You to still and hush my soul so I can rest quietly and peacefully in Your embrace.

Psalm 145:9 (NIV) “The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all He has made.”

Psalm 131:2 (NAB) “Rather, I have stilled my soul, hushed it like a weaned child. Like a weaned child on its mother’s lap, so is my soul within me.”