Kay's Blog

Showing items filed under “Mental Health”

National Suicide Prevention Week

As National Suicide Prevention Week draws to a close, I want to say thanks to the hundreds of you who have shared your stories of pain, struggle and yes, HOPE. I asked a few days ago for anyone who lives with major depression or suicidal thoughts to let me know what keeps you tethered to life – and how you make it through the darkest moments of despair. You have responded with such amazing, vulnerable, and authentic words.


Most of you mentioned three “ties:” Family, faith, and friends who don’t walk out when things get tough. Yep. I would agree wholeheartedly. These are the three “ties” that have given me the strength to live again after Matthew’s death. My family – my husband and my other children and grandchildren; my faith – my heart is more turned towards Him than ever before; my friends – faithful, compassionate, sacrificial friends who have allowed our grief to be theirs.


Many of you also spoke of good medical care – caring therapists, plus treatments and medication that alleviate or manage some of the most troublesome symptoms. I’ve read stories that are so painful I can’t keep the tears from flowing down my face as years and years (sometimes decades) of suffering from crushing depression and suicidal thoughts are recounted. It’s been hard to read.


HOWEVER... and this is the most beautiful part... I’ve also read stories of hope. Stories of men and women who are survivors of the bleak despair... people who are now living happier, more fulfilling lives than they ever thought possible. I am ending this week with more joy and hope than ever before. Major depression and suicidal thoughts are NOT automatic guarantees of an awful life, nor is suicide inevitable. God is with you and will never leave you. There are medical breakthroughs and resources and proven treatments available.


Whether your biological family loves you the way you deserve to be loved or not, the family of God – which is eternal – will listen, encourage, pray with you, give you a hand when the darkness settles in. As brothers and sisters in the Body of Christ, soul-satisfying friendships can be formed. YOU MATTER! Your life matters. As my friend Jamie Tworkowski says, “No one else can play your part!” For those in the black pit of pain: There is hope. There IS hope! There is HOPE!

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Our Beloved Gift of God

On July 18, 1985, I gave birth to our beloved gift of God, Matthew David Warren. Holding him in my arms that morning, I had no idea how dark the journey would get for him - and for those who love him. All I knew that bright morning was that I was madly in love with him, and could see nothing ahead but a mother's dreams of a good life for her son.


 My pregnancy had been extremely difficult and included three months of TOTAL bed rest (not even able to get up to use the bathroom) due to a severe allergic reaction that temporarily crippled me and caused tremendous physical pain and discomfort. The doctors reassured me that I and the baby would be fine - but how could I be sure? What if the baby wasn't alright? What if I wasn't alright?


I remember Easter 1985 - I was sick in bed, unable to go to church. Rick took the kids to church and I stayed by myself for a few hours - the TV remote by my side as my only companion. Somehow I dropped the remote and couldn't retrieve it - so there I was, alone on one of the most joyous holidays, with not even a TV preacher to keep me company, full of anxiety and fear for myself and my unborn child.


I painfully reached for my Bible and it fell open to Habakkuk 3:17-19: "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails, and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; He enables me to go on the heights." 


This was a word from the Lord to me - and I determined that even IF my worst nightmares came true - if my baby died, or I never walked again - that I would trust in God my Savior; I would rejoice in the Sovereign Lord.


Matthew David Warren was born and everything seemed fine. But by his first birthday, we began to wonder. And by his second and third birthdays, we knew he wasn't like his older sister and brother. As time unfolded, so did his struggles and I couldn't help but feel that my challenging pregnancy had negatively affected his developing brain and nervous system.


When he took his life last year - after battling and fighting so hard for decades - a friend sent me Habakkuk 3:17-19 in a sympathy card. She had no idea this passage was incredibly significant to me, but it was a fitting "bookend" to his life. Because I had feared for years that he would take his life... it became his greatest pursuit and my deepest anguish... I had to come to the point in which I said as I had 27 years before - "EVEN IF my worst nightmare comes true and he takes his life, I WILL rejoice in the Lord; I will be joyful in God my Savior."


So today - his 29th birthday - through weeping - I shout it to the watching universe: "I will rejoice in Lord; I will be joyful in God my Savior." My heart remains wounded and battered, but my faith is steady. There is, and will be, as Steven Curtis Chapman says, a "glorious unfolding" of all that God has in store for me and my family. God is faithful to His promises of rebuilding and restoring the ruins - and I am confident that I will yet be a witness to many, many, many lives healed and hope restored - all because of my beloved gift of God, Matthew David Warren. I miss you, darling boy... but it will just be for a little while.

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